So the U.S. Government has actually shut down, a result of monumental politrickery and crass stupidity so blatant that it overshadows even our everyday Caribbean politics. Even stupider are those morons running around blaming Obama for “shutting down the gubmint”, proving yet again that most Americans know absolutely zero about how their system of government functions. (Hint: Obama did not wave his Muslim-Kenyan-Communist wand and shut down the government. Your elected officials and representatives in Congress did.)
Around midnight, EST I realized that we had no government, logged into Silk Road and ordered a quarter ton of plutonium, hydroponic weed, a vaporizer, four hits of acid and a bottle of Oxycodone, all rush delivery in case the government comes back quickly.
Giddy at the prospect of anarchy, I could not sleep.
Spent two hours online looking up uses for a quarter ton of Plutonium, which I had ordered as a lark. Looked up “quarter ton.” Realized I had ordered too much Plutonium. Emailed with vendor to attempt to reduce size of order and get my Bitcoins refunded. Was able to use frank language due to lack of NSA. Guy refused to refund my Bitcoins. I trashed him on Yelp. Went back to looking up things to do with Plutonium.
Not as cool as I thought. Waste of Bitcoins.
Yelp skills will be vital in a world without government. Reputation is everything. Reputation management is everything. Without government, Yelp will be the only source of credibility for anything.
Slept, 4 a.m. to 10 a.m., missing six hours of precious anarchy. Fortunately, Republicans seem proud of themselves. Order will not be restored. Sat on park bench with bagel, cream cheese and iced coffee, counting Sheeple.
Fell asleep counting Sheeple. Missed two more hours of anarchy. Woke up to stolen bagel and iced coffee and also stolen wallet. Let them have the wallet. Money is meaningless. Only Bitcoins matter. You cannot shut down Bitcoins. No sense in complaining to the police, anyway.
Went to Duane Reade. Obtained flu vaccine in an extremely easy and fluid transaction without those government fact cats with their death panels getting in the way. Honesty, I would not have gotten a flu shot if the government hadn’t been shut down. Get your Obamacare out of my pharmacy.
Check email via phone. The Plutonium sales person has stolen every last one of my Bitcoins. Also, I do not think he will be sending me Plutonium. If the government were not defunct, I’d suspect an NSA plot. But this person who I called a “petty thief,” on Yelp has turned out to be nothing more than a petty thief.
I write a scathing review of Bitcoins on Yelp.
My boss calls and asks why I am not at work.
“You’re not the boss of me anymore, we have no government!” I scream.
He points out that Best Buy is not shut down. I point out that every road and sidewalk leading to Best Buy is shut down. He “fires” me, which is rich from a man paying me in shutdown notes.
I ask a passerby for a few Bitcoins to get me through the afternoon. The guy just stares at me, dumb. It is warm and only October 1st but he is wearing a knit hat and it has cat ears on it. Society has collapsed already.
“I can protect you,” I tell him. “Pay me in Bitcoins and I will protect you and your loved ones from the anarchy. I am highly ranked on Yelp.” That last bit is a lie, but one that I can fix before he has a chance to look. Except that he does not even stop to take my name. The fool.
“You fool!” I yell to the fool. “Who will manage your reputation on Yelp in this new world?”
I decide to retire to my apartment. I will remain there until the worst passes, trashing people on Yelp along the way and then offering to fix their reputations in exchange for precious Bitcoins.
Let freedom ring!
I fLOVE the internet!! As long as it doesn’t get shut down too.